Can we talk about that wacky beard your man’s been sporting lately? He looks like a fucking hobo. You know it, I know it, Long Red (the hobo) who lives under the bridge knows it, and is planning to try to recruit him. What the fuck? Your man has a damn Saab. He makes espresso for a living. He’s in fucking grad school. Should he be looking like a fucking hobo? No, he fucking should be not.
Help him tame his face mane (it’s a two-man job) with a little tin of this magic anti-belligerence for beards. Beard balm. A little beeswax, a few choice butters, and some excellent woodsy cedar and rosemary essential oils to bring it all together. What could be better? He gets to enhance his lumbersexuality, and you get to go out on Friday with someone who does not look like a hobo. Not even a little bit.
Hobo be gone. You’re welcome.